Archive for July 2nd, 2006

Derek’s Guide to Being Derek! Plus: H.A.’s Guide to Cocaine, Heroin, and Hash Bagging.

Published by
iMorph
at July 2, 2006 in Personal and Reflect. 1 Comment

Chapter 2 Excerpt: Switch Your Mind Off.

Looking to upset your friend and his wife? Want to succeed in a short amount of time? If you answered, “Yes,” to both those questions. just follow these two simple steps. In your favorite Instant Messenging client do the following:

  1. Develop Amnesia: Forget that your friend has been time-shifting the World Cup matches.
  2. Sidestep Confirmation: Do not ask if you friend has watched said match.
  3. The One-Sided Conversation: Initiate and continue talking before friend responds.

Here is an example:

  • ME: I am so distraught.
  • ME: France beat Brazil. Do you know how much that sucks ass?
  • HIM: I hadn’t watched that game yet. Cheers. Kumiyo is not happy with you now.

Success. If you really want to call it that. Paul and Kumiyo, if you want to poison me on my next visit, I’ll understand.

Chapter 2 Excerpt: Being Offensive and Insensitive.

There is nothing one cannot do if they don’t put their mind to it. In true Derek fashion, you too can be offensive. Instructions:

Please click here to purchase Derek's Guide to Being Derek!.

VM, I am sorry for being a total ass.

She’s Your Pusher…Woman?

Hollywood and American TV has taught us all really useful things like, “Cocaine is white and is Boy George’s - We used to call him Girl Jill - drug of choice. Heroin is brownish and comes in little baggies that one sews into a puppies belly. Hash is black and not many people seem to get busted for it.” Take a look at this and tell me what you think it is. Do not read the description first.