Epimetheus

Futility.

I have had it up to here, with the mindless onslaught of useless advertising and marketing tripe! “We don’t need half the crap they are pushing on us!” If I see one more ad for the following useless, money wasting products, I am going to hurt someone:

• Toothpaste: Come on, do we really need a special paste just for cleaning our teeth? Soap serves the exact same purpose!
• Toilet Paper: Special paper to clean up after a deposit? What’s wrong with grabbing a leaf, using your hand, or sprinkling a handful of sand back there? Toilet paper is elitist BS!
• Cold Medicine: It’s not like a cold can kill you. That’s why they call it the “common cold!”
• Bleach: Again, a simple bar of soap is all you need to “clean” your clothes. Maybe if people weren’t so into their apparel, this pointless product could be done away with.
• Contact Lenses: All one needs is a pair of black military issue eyeglasses.
• Shampoo: Use a bar of soap! How many times do I have to say it?!
• Pants: Four pair of pants is all any male needs:
  • Blue-collar work pants.
  • White-collar suit pants.
  • Casual pants: For when you want to go out on a date.
  • Pants you wear to the park to play with your kids.
• Supermarkets: Don’t get me started. Supermarkets are “the man’s” way of killing off gardening and forcing us all to be slaves. Grow your own food and make your own SOAP!
• Bottle Water: This is a total waste of money! When you are out and about, you don’t need a bottle of water to keep hydrated! Just cup your hands under the faucet in the men’s room after washing your hands! If you aren’t near a pubic restroom, you can just use someone’s hose.
• Cell Phones: *Sigh* This is the greatest scandal ever! Did you know it is possible to communicate over great distances with two tin cans and a piece of string? Or how about smoke signals? The fire used to generate the smoke serves as a source of heat and a place for cooking.
• Furniture: Another elitist idea. What is wrong with sitting on the ground, on a rock, or in a tree? If you must have furniture, build your own. Of course, this is after you have forged your own tools.
• Male Contraceptives: Why waste money on an oversized rubber sock? All you need is a little heat.
• Computers: Listen, a computer is JUST a big calculator with a 1000$ price tag. Everything you can do with a computer, you can do with a pencil and a pad of paper. Think about.
• iPod: This is the greatest scam of ALL! The government should provide public singing stations every 50 meters or so. Want to hear a song? Drop a quarter into the cup and hear a song from a public singer.