Archive for the 'humor?' Category

My thoughts on being in a bad marriage and then getting divorced:

Published by
iMorph
at October 29, 2008 in Entertainment? and humor?. 3 Comments

First, you are all blocked up: you spend days grunting out little rabbit pellets. Not wanting to admit you are constipated, you go about life – basically denying that something is horribly wrong. Then one day you decide, “Right, time for some fiber, yogurt, and anything else that will get things flowing. The pain and suffering be DAMNED!”

You wait.

And wait.

Slowly, a war is waged deep down in your bowels and gas is expelled. Something is afoot. The urge to purge – baahahahahaha – is great. There is no avoiding the impending voiding of the nether region.

It is going to hurt, a lot. Especially, dear reader, that initial clump/mass of feces.

“Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! OHHHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYY GOD,” you will scream. “Why did I eat all of that yogurt! That renkon! I FEEELS IT!!” Death would be a far easier fate to bear than the passing of this monstrosity!

You think you hear tearing, “Please, God, noooooooo! How will I explain a torn anus to the medical staff? ‘Oh, hai! Ummm, I…ummm…you see, what happened was….*sigh*’ If there is blood, I’m going to faint.”

You bear down. The amount of pressure and energy being generated to pass this redwood, could launch a space shuttle. Your vision blurs and tears streak down your face. Suddenly, you realize, the bulk of this offensive deposit is approaching the exit. If you can just manage to stay conscious, you can squeeze it out. Your anus screams, “NO! NO! Send it back! IT’S TOO BIG! DO NOT WANT!”

Wall. Hands pressed against wall. Through gritted teeth, you growl and fling your head back. You cannot hold back a howl, as the largest and hardest turd that you have ever experienced, explodes out of your ass. You think to yourself, “God, is this what man-sex is like? I’ll pass!”

The flood gates have been opened and a torrent of solid, oversized excreta zooms into the bowl. You come close to fainting.

Just as you think, “No mas! No mas,” the flow slows and droppings of normal size and consistency slide down the chute. It is over. You are free. FREE! FREEEEEEEEEEEE!

Keeping with tradition, you take a peek into the amazon and witness, what you will later swear was a water python, the concrete like substance, “My God, did I pass that? I had better check for blood. Whew, all clear.”

You wipe, pull up your pants, place your hand on the lever, take a final look at the horrid dung snake occupying your toilet bowl, and then, ladies and gentlemen, YOU FLUSH.

The End.

My Geehawd on Marketing & Advertising.

Published by
iMorph
at August 25, 2008 in Reflect and humor?. 0 Comments

Futility.

I have had it up to here, with the mindless onslaught of useless advertising and marketing tripe! “We don’t need half the crap they are pushing on us!” If I see one more ad for the following useless, money wasting products, I am going to hurt someone:

  • Toothpaste: Come on, do we really need a special paste just for cleaning our teeth? Soap serves the exact same purpose!
  • Toilet Paper: Special paper to clean up after a deposit? What’s wrong with grabbing a leaf, using your hand, or sprinkling a handful of sand back there? Toilet paper is elitist BS!
  • Cold Medicine: It’s not like a cold can kill you. That’s why they call it the “common cold!”
  • Bleach: Again, a simple bar of soap is all you need to “clean” your clothes. Maybe if people weren’t so into their apparel, this pointless product could be done away with.
  • Contact Lenses: All one needs is a pair of black military issue eyeglasses.
  • Shampoo: Use a bar of soap! How many times do I have to say it?!
  • Pants: Four pair of pants is all any male needs:
    • Blue-collar work pants.
    • White-collar suit pants.
    • Casual pants: For when you want to go out on a date.
    • Pants you wear to the park to play with your kids.
  • Supermarkets: Don’t get me started. Supermarkets are “the man’s” way of killing off gardening and forcing us all to be slaves. Grow your own food and make your own SOAP!
  • Bottle Water: This is a total waste of money! When you are out and about, you don’t need a bottle of water to keep hydrated! Just cup your hands under the faucet in the men’s room after washing your hands! If you aren’t near a pubic restroom, you can just use someone’s hose.
  • Cell Phones: *Sigh* This is the greatest scandal ever! Did you know it is possible to communicate over great distances with two tin cans and a piece of string? Or how about smoke signals? The fire used to generate the smoke serves as a source of heat and a place for cooking.
  • Furniture: Another elitist idea. What is wrong with sitting on the ground, on a rock, or in a tree? If you must have furniture, build your own. Of course, this is after you have forged your own tools.
  • Male Contraceptives: Why waste money on an oversized rubber sock? All you need is a little heat.
  • Computers: Listen, a computer is JUST a big calculator with a 1000$ price tag. Everything you can do with a computer, you can do with a pencil and a pad of paper. Think about.
  • iPod: This is the greatest scam of ALL! The government should provide public singing stations every 50 meters or so. Want to hear a song? Drop a quarter into the cup and hear a song from a public singer.

The Race Game :: Expansion Pack.

Published by
iMorph
at January 20, 2008 in Reflect and humor?. 1 Comment

Additional Cards: Minority

  • Jungle Fever Card: Get Your Interracial Love On.

    Excludes bearer(s) from physical, emotional, verbal, and financial attacks/abuse.

    Bearers include offspring of a Jungle-Fever relationship.

  • The Jeffersons/Buppie/Uncle Tom Card: Movin’ on Up.

    Excludes bearer(s) from interference when moving out of a depressed minority neighborhood and into a “White” neighborhood.

    This card can be played against either your own people trying to hold you down or Da Man.

  • White-Guilt.

    This card allows bearer(s) to halt insulting praise, “She is very articulate”, special treatment, and handouts from non-minorities.

  • Token Minority.

    Bearer(s) do not count as a Cultural-diversity point for non-minorities.

NEW! White Devil Cards!

You can play too! Check out these new cards!

  • Hard-Luck Story: Hey, just because I am not a person-of-color doesn’t mean I am privileged!

    This card allows the bearer(s) to counter the standard Race Card™

    You no longer need to feel guilty just because of the color of your skin.

  • Keepin’ It Real.

    Bearer(s) can invoke this card when a minority displays “ghetto” behavior.

    This card cannot be used to negate the Jeffersons/Buppie/Uncle Tom card.

Goat vs. Manual.

Published by
iMorph
at September 8, 2007 in Reflect and humor?. 0 Comments

Broken.

Imagine you own a busted multimillion dollar Boeing 757. You would like to get it back into service: Carrying passengers as it should. Do you A) sacrifice a goat or B) get your maintenance manual?

Factoids: 757.

Random Impressive Aircraft Trivia/Fact.

The 767-300ER and 767-400ER hold 23,980 gallons (90,770 l) of fuel – enough to fill 1,200 minivans. It takes only 28 minutes to fill the airplane.

Spammy Comments.

Published by
iMorph
at September 7, 2007 in Computing and humor?. 0 Comments

Protection Money?

Well, it looks like no one is safe from the mob these days. Richard, or Anikrichard, has offered to handle my little spam problem but for a price.

Anikrichard | anlikivanna.80@mail.ru | wwwwww.com | IP: 72.9.235.218

hello , my name is Richard and I know you get a lot of spammy comments ,
I can help you with this problem . I know a lot of spammers and I will ask them not to post on your site. It will reduce the volume of spam by 30-50% .In return Id like to ask you to put a link to my site on the index page of your site. The link will be small and your visitors will hardly notice it , its just done for higher rankings in search engines. Contact me icq 454528835 or write me tedirectory(at)yahoo.com , i will give you my site url and you will give me yours if you are interested. thank you

I just don’t know what to do. Do I trust Richard with his dodgy @mail.ru address or do I delete his “spammy comment” and blog about it?

Google’s Agents of Chaos.

Published by
iMorph
at July 11, 2007 in Computing and humor?. 3 Comments

Google.

Google is evil:

  • Google’s Tipping Point ::

    Now Google is in the position of dominance, and they definitely have the arrogance that goes with it. But they are in a very difficult spot because of that damned motto, and perhaps right on the tipping point where public opinion could change. More and more, people are hoping for Google to stumble. And every time they do, the press pounces.

  • Fear of Google ::

    Yesterday, during his speech at the Forbes shindig I attended, Geoff Ramsey, CEO of eMarketer’s funniest remark was when he told us that the “Fear of Google” was so prevelent that it even had a three-letter acronymn: FOG.

  • Why I Fear Google WiFi ::
    However, I want to set aside that question for a moment to once more ask an uncomfortable question: How much of your life do you want to put at Google’s disposal?

How much of my life is at “Google’s disposal?” As you will soon see, Google has mined all my data and knows everything about me. Things I didn’t know about myself.

Google Knows ALL! Panic! Panic!: Spooks on Board at Google. Spook == Matt Cutts.

Google knows two things about me a) I live near the Tama monorail and b) I want an AppleTV device. I can hear you asking, “Oh, come on, do you really believe all that whooey you just linked to above?” Yes. Yes I do. Let me prove it to you.

One of my operatives did a search on the following times [24:34 and 20:48] from his computer and did not receive the same query results as myself: He got bible versus. Obviously, Google knows that Operative BL has not attended church in over six years. That was Matt Cutts’ way of telling OBL to, “Go to church.” My search results from Mr. Cutts were a bit different.

Google, or Mr. Matt Cutts, is trying to tell me I should take my family to the Tama Zoo: Tama Monorail timetable for the Tama Zoo. Also, to purchase an Apple TV.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!